Is it just me or am I crazy?

Posted on March 10, 2011. Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |

I think I had my first panic attack today.  It’s been stirring for a while.

I went to Florida and my diet was less than perfect.

I came home to get strep throat and then to period bloat.

My progress pics looked like hell.

TOM means crazy intense chocolate cravings and uncontrollable appetite and lack of self control for me.  It’s finally beginning to subside, but I know my hormones are still a little our of whack.  I’ve never thought of myself as being very hormonal until I got into a serious relationship and now, even moreso, that I’m following a very strict nutrition plan.

Oh the nutrition plan!  I swear on my life I’ve never been so obsessed with food.  I coach women every single day about what is good vs what to stay the eff away from.  Let me tell you.. I want to eat anything and everything.  I don’t ever say I want a burger and fries, but right now, I want a burger and fries.  I want endless amounts of chocolate.  I don’t care if it is just an extra 2 ounces of plain chicken breast.. I want it.

And it’s all because I can’t have it.  I feel like all I think about is food.  I wake up and knowing I get to eat my 1/4 cup of oats is what gets me out of bed in the morning.  I finish my food and wish I could re-live it.  3 hours later, i eat as quickly as I can and go train my clients (this is the only time when I’m okay) and then I eat again a couple of hours later before I workout.  When I’m done working out  I am so hungry, I feel like a Tyrannosaurus Rex that just want to rip apart 15 cows and eat them all to the bone.  And when I’m done with that meal all I do is think about when I can eat again.  And when I’m done with that meal all I can think about is dinner and when dinner is over I want to cry because that is all I’m allowed to have.

I can’t stop thinking about food.  I don’t care what it is.. if you offered me asparagus and peas (which I hate) covered in pears (bleh!!) and mayonnaise I would probably scarf it down in about 30 seconds.  I would even eat black jelly beans, okay!!  It’s bad.

Anyhow, back to my day, my workout today was legit.  I walked and jogged for about 35 minutes, then did heavy shoulders (my fav) with my friend Sarah.  It was a decent workout.  I skipped yoga because I thought a girl was teaching who isn’t my favorite.  Skipping yoga, or going too many days without it isn’t a very good idea for me because I’m apparently mentally unstable.

Okay, so today is going fine.. I’m doing work.. sending emails to encourage clients and atempting meet others who need coaching and training while listening to basketball.. there were some definite nail biters on today!!!  Then I decide I should go sign up for the competition.

So I’m filling out the paperwork and it asks what I expect my weight to be the day of competition. I have ADD and at this point decide I want to watch videos of the other girls who have competed in Ms. Bikini.  Well these girls are freaking gorgeous and I think to myself that I have no business whatsoever getting on a stage next to these girls because I’m just going to make an ass of myself.

I freak out, close the document and stop filling it out.  I walk around, thinking of something else to do to get away from that computer.  I call my best friend and I’m like “Is it just me, or am I crazy?!?!”

Luckily we connected and she totally talked me off he ledge.  I love you girlfriend!!!!


I know this is kind of a vague story, but the point is that I’m totally scared.  I have no idea what I’m doing but something told me that I should be doing this.  It’s not like me to go onto a freaking stage in front of hundreds or possibly thousands of people and try to be sexy.  I mean seriously?  I would be much better off at a football game eating buffalo tenders and drinking Bud Lights; or just in a gym somewhere listening to some good hip hop with my calloused hands wrapped around a barbell; or on my yoga mat enjoying some peace and quiet while sweating my tail off.

But I have to do this.

I may try it and hate it, but at least I’ll know.

I may try it and love it.

I may not be the best EVER, but will be on my way to learning how to get better.

Sometimes the thing you are most scared of is success, not failure.

So what am I so scared of anyway?



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14 Responses to “Is it just me or am I crazy?”

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you’re not crazy!!! you are just feeling overwhelmed– we’ve all bin there, whether it’s trying out for a competition or trying a new activity or taking any risk. you’re doubting yourself during a moment of weakness, and because you’re feeling vulnerable, that little “i can’t do it” voice is being obnoxiously loud. you can mo def do it! now sign up for the competition and keep up the good work, girl!

thank you for the kind words!!!

Just remember you are not doing it for them, you’re doing it for yourself. To know you can…and heck, maybe even win! I know it’s tough, but at the end, you’ll be like, damn, I can do anything.

And I can relate about the obsessed with food thing…anytime I go back on the super clean wagon, I spend like a week dreaming about food, pacing until my next meal, and then feeling depressed when I’m done and still hungry or jonesin’ for a brownie.

But you can do it! Stick to it…the sense of accomplishment at the end has to be totally worth it!

I thought it was just me!!! Sometimes I feel like I just shouldn’t even eat. ughhhh.

Oh boy dont I know it! This is the story of my life (minus the fear of the competition, of course 😉

Sometimes just making it ‘real’ will get you over that big hump! Once that paperwork is in, you will have something to focus on rather than the fear. DO IT! You look fantastic already!

You are right. When I sign up it will be real. This is a good and bad thing!

Kyra, you can do this!! You have a rockin body that you work hard to maintain and you need to flaunt it. I think no matter what the outcome it will be a great experience.

Thank you Leslie. That means a lot. ❤

Dearest Kyra,

You have nothing to be scared about or embarrassed over. You have every right to be on that stage with those women. You are GORGEOUS! Not only that, I know you’ve busted your ass to get there. You should be so incredibly proud of yourself. You saw there was something you didn’t like and you didn’t sit there whining about it like the rest of us do. You changed it. Your life and dozens of other people’s. Seriously. You’re amazing and you’re gonna kick ass. I know it.


I love you SB. I’m nearly in tears. I’m doing this for you and all of the others out there who believe in me just as I believe in all of you and want all of you to be the very best you guys can be too!

I was doing so well last week then TOM ruined it. I simply have no self control and I act impulsively. Now I need to spend this week fixing what happened last week.

You’re going to be fine. I’m enjoying following your journey and if you need to rant I’m willing to listen 🙂

thanks girl!! we’re all here for each other 🙂 do one of my workouts and sweat it out girl!!! use those extra calories to kick butt this week!

Girl I SO appreciate this blog and you for writing it! I decided this year to do my first bikini show… signed up with Cathy Savage… and am on my first week of ‘real’ competition nutrition. (I’m a little under 12 weeks out). I can totally relate! I feel hungry most of the day, or at least within 2 hours of meals, and I cannot BELIEVE how obsessed I’ve been with food. It’s ridiculous.

However… I was just looking at your pics, and you look GREAT! You are on the right track, you absolutely will be ready to compete, and once you get on the stage it will be WORTH IT! Even if you never compete again, you will be able to say that you did it, and you did your best! So keep at it. Just a few more weeks to go.


Thanks Corrie! I added you on FB. It’s nice to know others are going through the same thing. I’ve always eaten healthy and now it’s just with no cheats and it’s frustrating as hell. Hopefully it will be worth it! Best of luck to you.. can’t wait to chat on FB!

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